I kissed my fiance goodbye after a wedding rehearsal – two days later cops showed up and my world fell apart
AS my fiancé’s coffin was carried from the church, the song By Your Side by Sade played.
Jon and I had actually chosen it for our wedding day, but instead I was hearing it at his funeral – the week before we were due to become husband and wife.
With just three weeks to go before our special day, Jon had died aged 42, and I wasn’t sure how to carry on without him.
I fell for him instantly when we met in March 2021.
Kind, caring and handsome, he made me feel safe and loved.
Life hadn’t been easy for Jon, who worked as an electrician.
He’d suffered from body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) since he was a young man, which had taken its toll on his mental health.
But by the time I met him, he was receiving professional help and was open with me about the struggles he’d had in the past.
We got engaged seven months after meeting. It was quick, but we knew we were meant to be together, so why wait?
We began planning our wedding straight away, deciding to keep it small and intimate – a church ceremony in March 2022, followed by a meal in a restaurant with close family and friends.
I have Asian heritage, so I chose a white and gold sari as my wedding gown, as well as ordering a veil and booking a hotel for our first night as a married couple.
The last time I saw Jon was February 3, 2022.
We’d attended a wedding preparation class that day, and he wasn’t himself.
I felt concerned, but wondered if his BDD was making him feel a bit overwhelmed as the big day drew closer, with the attention it would bring.
After the class, he came back to my house – we planned to move in together once we were married – and left soon after, still quiet and pensive.
He told me he was going to Norfolk the following day to visit a friend, and would see me the day after that.
I was so shocked, I felt numb – it was impossible to take in the news that he was gone
It never crossed my mind, as I kissed him and waved him off, that I’d never see him alive again.
Two days later, when he didn’t show up, I began to worry as he was always punctual.
After a few hours, when I couldn’t get through to him on his mobile, I went to his sister’s and she contacted Jon’s friend in Norfolk, only to discover he hadn’t turned up the previous day.
Soon after, two police officers arrived at the door, and gently told me and Jon’s sister that he’d been found dead in a London hotel room, due to an overdose.
I was so shocked, I felt numb – it was impossible to take in the news that he was gone.
In the days that followed, planning a funeral while cancelling a wedding was like a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from.
Jon’s family and my bridesmaids all helped, but I felt my heart would break with the pain.
My wedding sari was with a dressmaker for alterations at the time – I left it there and have never collected it.
Jon was buried in late February 2022, a week before our wedding day.
The months after his death were the darkest of my life.
I suffered from PTSD and depression, and I considered ending my life as my grief was so overwhelming.
I will miss him forever, but I also know he’d be proud I rebuilt my life, finding hope again
I quit my job at the charity I worked for, because I couldn’t imagine going back to the ‘old me’.
In late 2022, I began to train as a dog groomer and opened my own business, Love Hounds Bedford.
I love my work, and it brings me joy and calm.
I also discovered the charity Widowed And Young (WAY), and the solidarity, friendship and understanding from the other members who understood exactly how I was feeling, became so important to me.
It’s been three years since Jon died, and I think of him every day.
I will miss him forever, but I also know he’d be proud I rebuilt my life, finding hope again.
Jon never became my husband, but I will always carry him in my heart.
YOU'RE NOT ALONE
EVERY 90 minutes in the UK a life is lost to suicide.
It doesn’t discriminate, touching the lives of people in every corner of society – from the homeless and unemployed to builders and doctors, reality stars and footballers.
It’s the biggest killer of people under the age of 35, more deadly than cancer and car crashes.
Yet it’s rarely spoken of, a taboo that threatens to continue its deadly rampage unless we all stop and take notice, now.
That is why The Sun launched the You’re Not Alone campaign.
The aim is that by sharing practical advice, raising awareness and breaking down the barriers people face when talking about their mental health, we can all do our bit to help save lives.
Let’s all vow to ask for help when we need it, and listen out for others… You’re Not Alone.
If you, or anyone you know, needs help dealing with mental health problems, the following organisations provide support:
- CALM, www.thecalmzone.net, 0800 585 858
- Heads Together, www.headstogether.org.uk
- Mind, www.mind.org.uk, 0300 123 3393
- Papyrus, www.papyrus-uk.org, 0800 068 41 41
- Samaritans, www.samaritans.org, 116 123
